For the past couple of weeks I have been thinking about what to write next. Because so much has happened in my life I want to share, but there is so much good happening in my life right now too! So where do I start?
Do you ever just hear something, feel something, or just see something and think huh I can relate to that? Or I know that feeling. Or maybe it gives you the motivation to do that same thing? Well, this happened to me this last month. I have been watching the show call The Fosters. If you are not familiar with this show it is simply about a family who has adopted kids and also fosters kids. Ever since finishing the show I have felt this tug in my heart to finally share my story on my adoption. Now my adoption is not the adoption picture you think of. Cause lets be real, when you read that you were probably thinking oh her parents aren’t her birth parents they are her adoptive parents. (well if you don’t know me) But I have been with my birth mom since birth! So I have always had one of my birth parents present.
My parents were divorced before I was even born, so I didn’t have the whole experience some people have of their mom and dad getting divorced. For about three years I had a relationship with my father, as well as my siblings from my father as well. So the so called “normal” routine of divorced parents in a way. But there came a point in life where my mom and dad decided that my dad signing his rights away was the best thing for me. So they proceeded with that path, and my dad signed his rights away.
After that when my mom remarried, the man she married ended up adopting me and I ended up taking his last name as well. So in all sorts of ways but blood, I was his daughter, I was a LeQuia. Only being about 5 or 6 years old, I was confused about it all but hey what young child wouldn’t be? He started to force the whole I am “dad” not “Tim.” I was confused by this because I knew who my birth dad was. Like I spent time with him and siblings. So what do you mean you’re “dad.” Well as I got older I ended up of course understanding more about the situation.
After the adoption, I still hung out with my siblings from my birth dad and still saw his side of the family. My mom never kept me away from my family. But when it came to my birth dad they were a little more cautious, just because of the adoption. Which now being 24 I totally understand all of it.
Growing up just the next town over form my birth dad was super hard because I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just have a normal relationship with him. I mean I understood I was adopted by another guy who is now my “dad” but in my eyes I just thought I could have two dads, no big deal. Like okay, all my other siblings are with him, but if I wanted to spend time with my siblings it couldn’t be at my dad’s house. It wasn’t a “normal” situation where my birth father just disappeared and no one knew where he was at. I would see him around and know hey like that’s my dad. But when that would happen everything would get awkward.
As more time pasted, and the older I got, I became more rebellious with my adopted dad being my so called “dad” like it wasn’t fair. My siblings get to see my dad, and call him dad, but when I see him it gets awkward. I remember at one point I was just crying uncontrollably and my mom asked me what was wrong. I remember telling her that it wasn’t fair that all my friends got to see their dads, and get to do life with their dads but I wasn’t able to! I wanted to so bad, but I wasn’t allowed. My mom just hugged me and held me and said ” You will understand one day, I promise!”
The older I got I would start calling my adopted dad by his first name again. And using the line “You’re not my dad” when he would try to discipline me or tell me no. At one point I just didn’t feel the dad/daughter connection that you are suppose to have. When I started to feel that disconnect I began to sneak behind my parents back to talk to my birth dad, and just learn more about him and build a relationship! Which was NOT the right way to do it, but that’s how I started to build my relationship with my birth dad. I can’t tell you how many times I got my phone taken away because I was caught trying to connect with him, or see him. I wasn’t getting in trouble because I was talking to my birth day, I was getting in trouble because I was lying about it! I ended up just resenting my parents for a short period of time. Looking back on it today, I truly feel that it was more my adopted dads doing more than it was my moms. Because he adopted me and he wanted that dad/daughter relationship. He didn’t want anything to really come between that. My mom NEVER kept me away from my birth dad, and never ignored me when I had questions about it either. She was very open and honest. Which I loved that she was because I have seen where some parents just talk bad about the other parent and then at the end of it all the kids end up resenting that parent because they were keeping the child away from the other parent. The relationship between a parent and a child is so different then the relationship of the parents themselves. Their issues have NOTHING to do with us kids. As kids we love both of our parents.
When I turned 14 that’s when it all changed!!!!
When I was 14 years old that is when the conversion all kids fear was brought up. The conversation of “we are getting divorced.” I remember my parents telling me that they were getting divorced and then the next second he was gone and so was all his stuff. I don’t remember him ever moving out or anything. I just remember getting told that the divorce was going to happen and then that was it.
But unlike the divorce of my birth dad and my mom, where I didn’t go through the “normal” emotional part of it. This time I did! And let me tell you it was not good either. But Thank You Jesus, we have an AMAZING mother who got all of us girls through it! My sisters and I are so blessed to have a mom who cared about our feelings, and made sure that she talked to us about how we were feeling every step of the way! And I think that is what made the whole situation better to understand and easier to deal with for me!
This was a hard time for me because the person who was so determined to make sure I called him dad is now wanting nothing to do with me. During the divorce I remember him saying “Well she isn’t my real daughter so why am I paying for her too?” Hearing that was just heart breaking because not only did I not have my birth day completely in my life, now I have him saying that I wasn’t his daughter because I am not his blood. Like okay, you adopted me because you wanted me to feel as if I was your own but now that it comes down to child support and the other things that come with divorce you don’t want to claim me. Cause that makes sense right?
So from then on I didn’t want ANYTHING to do with him! He made me feeling not wanted, unloved, and invisible so why should I want anything to do with him? But yet when it came down to visitation he made me go!
The first time I finally had to go because the judge said so was the worst of the worst. And let me tell you this was the ONLY time I went because I refused to go again and then I had finally turned 15 so I had the option to go or not! The first and only time I went he made my sister and I go meet the women that he left our family for! And he wouldn’t take us home until we did! Things just kept getting worse and worse but that’s my sisters story to tell and not mine! So maybe one day she will tell her side of it all!
Now don’t get me wrong there was a time where I had that dad/daughter connection with my adopted dad when I didn’t know anything different. For eight years I didn’t think twice about my adopted dad being anything different then just my dad. We made memories as a family, and were super happy! That’s just all I knew for those eight years. But as I grew up and started to get more curious of course I wanted to just be with my birth dad because he was my blood, he was my dad! I saw the relationships that my friends had with their dad and wanted that so bad too! But of course that wasn’t my life, and that is something I just had to hope for. I hoped that one day I would be able to have a relationship with my birth dad and no one could tell me I couldn’t. Of course when it came down to the time where I was finally connected with my birth dad, not everyone in my family was happy but guess what having my birth dad involved with stuff made me happy!
And here we are now. Today I am 24 and have a relationship with my birth dad! Which is great! The hope I held on to has finally came to action!
My adoption story is of course different then some other peoples. Because I know many people who have been adopted by a step parent and they have the BEST relationship! A relationship where you wouldn’t know that he wasn’t their birth father or she wasn’t their birth mother! Which is so heart warming, wonderful, and truly amazing!
Do you have an adoption story? I would love to hear about it! I love hearing about other peoples journeys!